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Everyday wellbeing · Understand your experience

Relationships & your wellbeing

A relationship can bring comfort and still feel complicated. Explore what you need from the connections in your life, with room for friendship, family, partners and your own boundaries.

Find your bearings Your tools & next steps
Your needs deserve room in the conversation.
01 / Get a clearer picture

Start with the relationship you are actually living.

Supportive relationships involve respect and being able to share what matters. The needs of everyone involved, including your own, belong in that picture.

You can explore the connection without rating another person or deciding who has the “right” personality. Safety, circumstances and what happens between you matter.

Based on NHS · Every Mind Matters · NHS

Your needs deserve room in the conversation.
A visual explanation

The connection, and your needs within it.

  • Connection

    What feels supportive between you?

  • Communication

    What would you like heard?

  • Boundaries

    What can you offer, and what is too much?

  • Safety & support

    Where can you turn if you need help?

Conversation areas, not a compatibility score or an assessment of another person. Source: NHS · Every Mind Matters
A closer look

Your needs can be discussed without assigning anyone a type.

Relationships can include partners, friends, family, colleagues or people who support you. Different people may want different amounts or kinds of contact.

Where a conversation is safe, a specific need can be easier to discuss than a label about someone’s personality or attachment.

Based on NHS

Two people can have space for different needs and a shared conversation.
A closer look

Attachment styles: two dimensions, with room for context.

Adult romantic-attachment research often describes anxiety about a partner’s availability and avoidance of closeness or relying on a partner. These vary by degree; ECR-R does not provide natural cutoffs for four fixed identities.

The figure explains the concepts without assigning you a position. Adult self-report attachment is different from diagnosing childhood attachment disorders, and cannot identify whether someone else is safe.

The anxiety and avoidance dimensions describe patterns in a particular adult relationship framework; they are not fixed identities or a verdict on compatibility. A useful conversation can focus on the current need, such as reassurance or space, without giving either person a type. The framework does not excuse coercion or replace a safety response.

Two dimensions, without assigning you a type

Attachment anxiety

Concern about a romantic partner’s availability and responsiveness.

Less concernMore concern
Attachment avoidance

Discomfort with closeness or depending on a romantic partner.

Less discomfortMore discomfort
Conceptual continua, not your results. There are no score markers, category boundaries or “ideal” positions.

Based on University of Illinois · R. Chris Fraley

Based on University of Illinois · R. Chris Fraley · NHS · NHS · Every Mind Matters

02 / Make sense of what has changed

What would you like more space for?

Prompts for reflection, rather than signs of a disorder or a compatibility score.

Being heard

You want to be heard without having to rush your words.

Your boundaries

You need a clearer boundary around time, energy or responsibilities.

Recurring difficulties

You miss connection or find a recurring disagreement difficult.

Support outside the relationship

You would like support outside this relationship, too.

Based on NHS · Every Mind Matters

In everyday life

Keep needs, boundaries and agreements distinct.

A fictional example: “I enjoy spending time together, and I also need a quiet evening. Can we decide when to check in?” This is an example of ordinary communication, not advice for an abusive situation.

Fictional examples to explain an experience. They are not a checklist or a diagnosis.

  • A need

    What would help you feel supported or understood?

  • A boundary

    What are you comfortable with, and what is not acceptable?

  • An agreement

    What are you both willing and able to do?

  • A safety concern

    Control, threats or coercion need a separate support route.

Conversation areas, not a compatibility test.

Based on NHS · NHS

03 / Put your experience into context

A conversation can begin with your needs.

You might explore what is happening, what you want understood and whether you feel safe. A counsellor or health professional can help you think through distress without diagnosing your partner.

ECR-R concerns your own adult romantic-attachment experience. It is not a relationship-health score, a compatibility test or a way to assess friends and family by changing a few words.

Based on NHS · Every Mind Matters · University of Illinois · R. Chris Fraley · NHS

Your experience, in three prompts
  1. 1
    What is happening?

    One example, without a label for the other person.

  2. 2
    What do you need?

    Listening, a boundary, practical help or a safer place to talk.

  3. 3
    Who could support you?

    A trusted person, counsellor or specialist service.

Make a few notes
Room for your questions

Fear and coercion need their own response.

Abuse can include control, intimidation, financial restriction or sexual coercion as well as physical harm. It is not simply a failure to communicate well enough.

If a relationship feels unsafe, seek appropriate individual or specialist support rather than using a joint discussion as a condition of getting help. In immediate danger, use local emergency help. The NHS source below provides UK support information.

Based on NHS

Make everyday life more workable

Make room for one need.

You can use a prompt privately or with someone you trust.

Something you want heard

A moment, a feeling or a responsibility you would like understood.

A boundary that matters

What feels possible for you, and what asks too much right now?

Someone outside the situation

Who could offer support without deciding everything for you?

Based on NHS · Every Mind Matters · NHS

04 / Explore your support options

Support can happen inside and outside the relationship.

You can choose what feels useful, with room for your circumstances and preferences.

Based on NHS · Every Mind Matters · NHS

A conversation, if it feels safe

If it feels safe, a calmer time to talk and listening to each other may help you share what matters. You can also talk to a trusted person outside the relationship.

Support for you

You can ask a professional about support for yourself. Where there is abuse or coercion, specialist safety support takes priority over ordinary communication advice.

Understand your options

Ask what kind of support fits the situation.

Individual support can help you explore your experience and choices. Relationship or couple work may suit some difficulties, but safety and context need professional consideration.

You can ask about confidentiality, the approach and whether the service has relevant experience. No form of support guarantees a particular relationship outcome.

Based on NHS · NHS

Make room for what helps

An agreement can be revisited.

Where it is safe, check whether the arrangement is helping and whether needs have changed. A boundary does not require an attachment score to justify it.

You may want support for loneliness, communication or your own health regardless of what happens in the relationship.

Based on NHS · University of Illinois

05 / Choose your next step

A little clarity. A place to start.

Explore a tool, prepare a conversation or find someone to talk to. Choose what feels useful to you.

Questionnaires you might hear about

One research measure is explained for adult romantic attachment. It is not offered as a questionnaire here.

ECR-R

Explore anxiety and avoidance in adult romantic attachment

Experiences in Close Relationships—Revised

The exact 36-item form describes two continuous dimensions. A modified online questionnaire is a different form.

What it can and cannot tell you

The author requires permission for commercial use. Exact form, corrected keys and independent measurement review remain open. Scores do not assign a fixed identity, diagnose your partner or establish safety.

Read the author’s measure guidance

Based on University of Illinois · R. Chris Fraley

You can seek relationship support without an attachment score or label.

Something you can use today

Practical guideYour words

Prepare for a conversation

A few prompts to help you explain what you have noticed and what you would like help with.

  • A simple notes builder
  • Copy your notes to keep
  • No account needed

You decide how much to write and share.

Find your words
Support directorySomeone beside you

Find your next kind of support

Explore where to begin with everyday support, professional help or an urgent conversation.

  • Ways to ask for help
  • Country-specific crisis contacts
  • Support at your own pace

If you need urgent help, go straight to support.

Find support
You can start right here

Your first sentence does not need to be perfect.

You could begin with one situation and one need. You can leave private details out and ask someone to listen before offering advice.

Based on NHS · Every Mind Matters

“I would like help thinking about a relationship and what I need. Can we start with what has been difficult and what would feel supportive?”
Make it sound like you
Things you may be wondering

Your questions, with room for nuance.

You can read just the answer you need.

Can attachment style explain my partner?

It is a limited framework, not a diagnosis of another person or a complete explanation of a relationship.

Based on University of Illinois

Do boundaries mean rejecting someone?

A boundary describes what you are comfortable with or able to offer. Where it is safe, it can be communicated alongside care and respect.

Based on NHS

Should I confront someone who controls or threatens me?

Ordinary communication examples are not a safety plan for abuse. Seek appropriate specialist support; immediate danger needs emergency help.

Based on NHS

Is a relationship questionnaire required for support?

No. You can discuss your experience and needs without a compatibility or attachment score.

Based on NHS · University of Illinois

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Topics can overlap. These links are for reading, not a suggestion that you have another condition.

Where this information comes from.

Use this hub to learn and prepare questions. It does not diagnose you or recommend a personal treatment plan. By Selfmora editorial; sources checked . Updated .

Additional explanations and examples: sources consulted . Examples illustrate ideas; they do not assess your personal health. Your questions

Our editorial approach