Understanding your emotions
When feelings are hard to name or seem to take over a moment, you can begin with what you notice. Explore the context, the response and the support you want without judging an emotion as a failure.
A feeling, its context and your response are different parts.
Emotion regulation involves noticing and understanding emotions and finding ways to respond. It does not mean never feeling upset or hiding every feeling.
The same emotion can arise in different situations. Understanding what happened and what you need leaves more room than deciding whether you handled it perfectly.
Based on Manchester University NHS Foundation Trust · CAMHS · NHS
Put the moment into words, one part at a time.
- Context
What was happening around you
- Feeling
What you noticed, named or unnamed
- Response
What happened and its effect
- Support
What you would like help with
Understanding an emotion is different from suppressing it.
Emotional regulation concerns noticing feelings and responding in ways that fit the situation and your needs. Strong emotions are not automatically evidence of a disorder or immaturity.
Context
Tiredness, demands and previous experiences can affect the moment.
Response
An urge and the action you take are different.
Support
Communication, practical change or professional care may help.
Based on Manchester NHS
What would help you put the moment into words?
Reflection examples, not a personality-disorder checklist.
Finding words
A feeling is hard to identify or describe.
Focus during distress
Distress makes it harder to focus on what you intended.
Choosing a response
A response feels difficult to pause or choose.
Support for the moment
You want support finding ways to handle a difficult moment.
Based on Manchester University NHS Foundation Trust · CAMHS · Bjureberg and colleagues · PubMed
Talk about the pattern without choosing a diagnosis.
You can describe a situation, the feeling and the effect on your day. A professional can explore context and needs if the pattern is affecting your life.
DERS-16 measures difficulties in emotion regulation across conditions and experiences. It does not diagnose BPD, identify an anger disorder or measure emotional maturity.
Based on Manchester University NHS Foundation Trust · CAMHS · Bjureberg and colleagues · PubMed · NHS
- 1What was happening?
An ordinary example you feel comfortable discussing.
- 2What did you notice?
The feeling and response, without having to name them perfectly.
- 3What do you want help with?
Understanding, a different response or support in that situation.
Words for a moment, without a score.
You can use one prompt when it feels helpful; there is no need to revisit anything distressing.
The context
What was happening, with only the detail you want to include?
The feeling
A word, a body sensation or simply 'I'm not sure'.
The support
What would you like someone to understand or help with?
Based on Manchester University NHS Foundation Trust · CAMHS · NHS
Support can start with noticing and finding words.
You can choose what feels useful, with room for your circumstances and preferences.
Based on Manchester University NHS Foundation Trust · CAMHS · NHS
Choose support that is workable rather than a universal calm-down routine.
Some people find pausing, changing the environment or talking helpful. Mindfulness is optional and does not suit everyone. A technique that increases distress need not be forced.
If emotions repeatedly interfere with daily life or safety, seek appropriate professional support. A general explanation does not substitute for a tailored treatment plan.
Based on Manchester NHS · NHS
A little clarity. A place to start.
Explore a tool, prepare a conversation or find someone to talk to. Choose what feels useful to you.
Prepare for a conversation
A few prompts to help you explain what you have noticed and what you would like help with.
- A simple notes builder
- Copy your notes to keep
- No account needed
You decide how much to write and share.
Find your wordsFind your next kind of support
Explore where to begin with everyday support, professional help or an urgent conversation.
- Ways to ask for help
- Country-specific crisis contacts
- Support at your own pace
If you need urgent help, go straight to support.
Find supportYour first sentence does not need to be perfect.
You might explain what was happening, how it felt and what support you would like next time. Use ordinary words or leave the emotion unnamed if that is easier.
Based on Manchester University NHS Foundation Trust · CAMHS · NHS
“Some feelings are hard for me to understand or respond to. Could we talk about a moment that was difficult and what kind of support might fit?”Make it sound like you
Your questions, with room for nuance.
You can read just the answer you need.
Does difficulty with emotions mean BPD?
No. Many contexts can affect emotional regulation. A diagnostic assessment considers a much wider pattern.
Based on Manchester NHS
Where this information comes from.
Use this hub to learn and prepare questions. It does not diagnose you or recommend a personal treatment plan. By Selfmora editorial; sources checked . Updated .
Additional explanations and examples: sources consulted . Examples illustrate ideas; they do not assess your personal health. Your questions
- Emotional regulation: general explanation
- Mindfulness: noticing thoughts and feelings
- Development and validation of DERS-16
- Anger and support